mappinghope

( Saturday, or the Deconstruction of a Fag-Hag )

So, I’m sure we all have those pieces of art, favorite books, favorite movies, etc. that, for whatever reason, we’re reticent to list on our top ten lists to just everyone. (Now, now, that doesn’t mean we don’t announce them twice as loud in the face of such reticence, anyway – my love to all the devil-may-cares and counter-phobics out there.)

“Tim & Pete” by James Robert Baker generally remains at the top of this category for me, in terms of books. The themes explored in it may be found elsewhere in a more timely, eloquent. and thorough prose, but “Tim & Pete” is the classic case of the right timing for me. It asked the same questions as I was during my first read of it, it was just the right level of depth, and it hit just the right sympathy chords. By consequence, now, I have a tendency to take it off the bookshelf every once in awhile, and snuggle up to it like a warm pair of overworn slippers -- even though, the idea of treating any of the subjects covered in Tim & Pete as fuzzy-slipper material, is, admittedly, somewhat disturbing.



( In which I muse about Tim and Pete and the themes some, relating it to other topics. Moderate Spoilers -- You have been warned. )

Great Things

Four years
studying,
skipping sleep, skipping
meals. A diploma
to replace the friendships
I burned. I have been such a quiet
boy, a good
boy. Driven to be the man
they want me
to be.
Driven to make my mom
proud, a future
lover proud, a
family
proud. Driven to hear
people
promise me
great things.

Three hours
sleep per night
finally
wore thin.
His fingers clung to my greasy hair, while
my stomach rejected attempts of healing pride
with a warm fifth of vodka,
no ice.
Washing clear, tainted, saliva from my lips,
he lead me to bed, saying
he’d heal my attempt to be lover,
student,
worker,
son;
I just had to learn
to let him be
one thing --
my hero.
With his lips to my forehead, I was assured
That our future held
great things.

Single person
again,
passing time,
passing life.
Waiting for that second chance, or do I still need a
first one?
Wanting to take another
step towards
healing, towards
helping, towards
contributing to the world, to the people who
believe in me, towards supporting those
depending on me.
I collect
post-interview smiles,
post-lover smiles,
post-scholarship smiles,
each exiting my life,
but not before assuring me
that my future holds
great things.

( Replacement )
( Rehearsal )

(And since I can see it being speculated on -- Replacement was inspired by my own life, Rehearsal was not.)

I had the opportunity to see “Milk” last night for the second time. It was a movie I’d been waiting to see for quite awhile, so I had seen it the night it came out. A friend had yet to see it, though, so we saw it for a second time together.

First, let me say, it’s a wonderful movie that very much needed to be made. Gus Van Sant, Sean Penn, Emile Hirsch, and James Franco particularly deserve many props for their participation and fine craftsmanship in the project. I highly recommend it.

That out of the way, I want to record some of the stray thoughts I’ve had running around in my head that have been influenced by my recent watching.

( In which I proceed to muse upon these stray thoughts. There should be nothing particularly spoilery in this, even if you don't know your history well. )

( Longish entry, cut since I'm nice! )

This journal is for myself, and anyone else out there that runs across it.

It's a bit of a departure for me, truth be told.  My blogs have typically been private affairs, or based around a select part of my beliefs -- intended only for those who have similar interests in those beliefs.  Online, as with in life, I tend to be a bit of a seriel compartmentalizer; this part of my life goes over here, this part of my life goes over here, this part of my life goes over there....

There are reasons for this, which at some point I'd like to go into.  Not on this post, though.

This post is to remind me what this journal is for, hopefully keeping me from turning it into anything else.  This is to voice my daily thoughts, my poetry, the errands I ran, the friends I talked to, the shows I saw, the sales I found, the social theories I thought out, my frustrations, my regrets, my hopes...

It's about representing me.  It's not about making my entries the most entertaining, or collecting friends, sympathy, or getting dates. It's not meant to show new sides of me that real-life friends don't know, or to create a place where I lose myself entirely in prose until real-life me becomes distorted, or altogether unrecognizeable.

I only say all this because I've been guilty of all these things, and many, many more. 

Moving beyond that, my reason for writing this is the realization I had that I am no longer connected to the online world.  There was a time, when I was much younger, online was what I associated with support, community, friends, occasionally even adopted family.  The most obvious reason for this is growing up gay in a small town that had little to offer in the ways of support.

My world, predictably, has died and reborn countless times since then.  I suddenly find myself missing the playground of the internet, though.  I miss being able to talk to people all over the world, to web out, to spontaneously meet individuals that I'd never have a chance to talk with otherwise.  I also miss a place that is so, so, intimately quiet and peaceful from "real life", yet simultaneously one of the most public, privacy-nulling phenomenons the world has yet to know.

I think that's all for now.  If my wish for this is fulfilled expect musing and thought, self-expression and self-doubt, chatter and reflection.  I want to catalog the thoughts and feelings I'm proudest of here, but also the banal musings of the everyday.  If it sounds like I'm a mess of contradictions, it probably is because I am.  If it seems like all this would be better fit in five journals dedicated to different subjects/styles -- well, been there, done that, this is my new experiment.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little pretentious at the moment due to laying all of this out.  I'm tempted to make it a private post, as I'm (much) more than a little sensitive to how "others" see me, but I think I will resist that urge.  This is my "mission statement" after all; it would be wrong to hide it. 

Catch everyone soon.  (Even though right now no one knows about this journal yet!  Hah!)